When the kids are older

Sometimes I find myself daydreaming about getting my life back - when the kids are older. Although part of me, of course, wants time to stop them from growing up too fast. However, part of me also wants to enjoy them already (and get a bit of me time, too!). At the moment, my time management skills are super messed up, my organising skills are nearly non-existent. The house is usually a mess, my under eyes are the darkest shade ever, hubby sleeps in a different room - while myself and the kids in ours, we can't travel long drives as the little one hates car rides... the list goes on about what a having a young family entails. But I love it in a lot of ways than one. But for now, I am indulging in my daydream. Fast forward to 4 years from now. The little ones in school, and I am back to earning some moolah - contributing to our family funds (oooh and that BIG Trip in 4 years!).

Sometimes I daydream about:

- Having the Christmas tree decors properly put - and stay put for the duration of the holiday period! (at the moment, for the past 6 years - our eldest puts up the decors first - then I put them back up tidy-er).

- Sleeping in!!!! Weekends are a must, and maybe one or two mornings during the week too!
Ok, even just a proper full sleep. My last proper sleep was in 2008!!!!!

- Do my own thing in the toilet and shower - alone - without it being a whole family affair!

- Cooking because I want to, and because I enjoy it - rather than rushing to cook and feed the brood.
Oh, and cooking with both my arms/hands free. (Nowadays, I have a permanent back and side pain coz I carry little L while I cook - while I clean, while I do a LOT of things) (With one hand).

- Just do nothing. And have time to be bored. (Nowadays, I rarely have that quiet 'me' time where I don't have to think of too many things all at once). (I usually rush things because I sneak 'me' time in between the little one's naps)

- Do something uninterrupted.

- Have 'me' time during the day!!! (Nowadays 'me' time happens late at night when the kids are asleep) (I end up falling asleep too on some nights!)

- I want to travel more. With the family. But also, sneak in a getaway with my girlfriends who I haven't seen in ages!

- Make a weekly menu - and stick to it! (Not be too tired midweek to follow through what my menu says)

- Go on a date with hubby. (I am not comfortable leaving our little one with my sister to babysit - until maybe she's about 4 years old).

- Have time to properly groom myself (have time to be meticulous about my face, hair, clothes, etc). Nowadays, this is always rushed - so I only get to do the basics (if I am lucky!).

I am sure I can think of a lot more. For now, these are what comes to mind. One day!

http://www.lamamaonline.com/secondary.asp?id=1110&print=true

I have this thing for Quora

I have this thing for Quora. I read Q and A's there every now and then and it is quite entertaining and possibly I learn a few things sometimes (whether they are true or not, well, is another thing).

Today while reading I picked this up:
If you don't appreciate your freedom, you don't learn to appreciate (or make) your good decisions.

Those are in my words and my interpretation of what I read. Growing up, I felt I didn't have much freedom. Being the eldest, like a lot of first borns, I was the guinea pig of my parents. They were more overprotective of me when I was young. And as I grew older I felt they didn't really give me much freedom, which my younger siblings had when it was their turn to be a teenager, a young adult, etc. They were stricter with me- which made me a bit more uptight I think as an adult. I was not 'trained' to think that I could make good decisions. Whether this was because of how I was brought up or my personality, I don't know.

So, when I read the Quora answer it kind of struck a chord in me. Perhaps the reason why I sometimes question my decisions (whether I was making the right choice in life) was because I never appreciated my freedom- because I didn't have one before.

When I moved out of home at 25, and moved to a different country- I was seeking freedom. It was the biggest decision I think I would ever make and have made- in my entire life. It was a life changing decision that would pave way for my future life, the future life of my (immediate) family, my kids and the future generation.

Bursting with Ideas

A long time ago my mom told me I was hyperactive, just like my dad who never sits still. I thought to myself that couldn't be. I am very calm, collected and reserved. But I guess, over the years I kind of understood what my mom meant. Like my dad, I am full of ideas, bursting with new thoughts, plans, activities, business ideas, ventures, and the list goes on... forever!

I cannot imagine the life of a person running out of ideas. Sure, I hit a dead end every once in a while. By choice I stop from thinking further, but really I sometimes think I am overflowing with new things to do, accomplish and create.

Source

Sigh. And it is very tiring. Tiring not because the ideas are running out, but tiring because I feel I don't have time to do all of these. I am a thinker. And so as much as I would like to put it all into action, there are only 24 hours in a day. One step at a time, I would like to achieve as much of my ideas into something. Sometimes I wish I didn't have to sleep to avoid running out of time to DO! But of course I need sleep in order to function the next day! As a mum this is important of course for my family to thrive!

I have endless lists. Sometimes creating a list makes me feel good because I am made to believe that I would do this one day. Go through the list and just DO IT. If only I had the time!

So, yes I guess I am a hyperactive thinker. Give me a paper and pen and I can jot a whole note-full of thoughts, doodles, scribbles and ideas. My mum was right after all (aren't they almost always!)

You think you like it?

Sometimes we have gotten so used to something
that we make ourselves believe we still like it.
Even when we no longer do.
We still continue to take one bite after another,
because the taste is so familiar.
Even when each bite brings us closer to.. nothing.
Meaningless chewing.

Photo from http://girlyinspiration.com/a-slice-of-indulgent-chocolate-cake/

Sometimes we aspire and want something for so long that we create an idea in our mind
An idea sans imperfection and at the same time away from reality.

Sometimes we create a bubble of a big idea
that we (think) we know, completely,
Only to hold onto that bubble which ...really exists.
It exists in our mind, in our memory,
of something that once was, but no longer is.
Or of something which always just existed,
in that corner of our mind
far and protected from everything else.
And by everything else, I mean far from truth (and reality).

Just a random feeling I put into words as I was eating a big cake slice. Which I eventually just threw in the bin, because continuing to eat it was pointless. It didn't satisfy my craving, my hunger and I couldn't really taste it anymore. Maybe it was too big a piece? Maybe it wasn't baked to my liking? I know for a fact I am a chocoholic and so I tried to understand why I couldn't finish my chocolate cake slice. Sorry baker, it's nothing personal....

Province Plans

My friend from the province is currently researching about house floor plans, as they have just purchased a huge lot next to the creek. She has got quite a big family (she has 4 children and another one on the way!) so my friend and her husband are quite particular about their house plans. Two of her requirements are : for the children to have their own rooms, and for the overall ambiance to be country style. One time when I spoke to her husband, he was looking for cabin plans to suit his pregnant wife’s dream house, I referred him to HousePlansandMore.com. I was talking to both of them and told them that they are lucky to be able to afford their dream house! They are both the same age as me and have a well established business in their province. I told my husband that maybe we should just go to the countryside and establish our own business too! It might just work! My husband and myself have always indulged in our province dreams, saying that we would put up our own resort by the beach, and have our own animal farm, and grow our own crops. Well, who knows! I have given my siblings a few years to migrate here otherwise we are considering a move back home!

The View

I used to see you every day

From my window sill

I'd stare

Thinking how busy you are

And how I would like to get away from it all.

Now, I look

And see nothing close

Nowhere near

It's just me alone

Wishing you're near.

(Photo from WikiPilipinas)

That Christmas tradition

Spoke with a good friend from Manila last week, and she was telling me about what to give her daughter this Christmas. While on the topic of Santa, I’ve told her that there was this provider or service that would send to their home Letters From Santa himself! We were both sharing about our own experiences on writing Santa letters and receiving gifts that we asked for. It’s just really heartwarming to talk about traditions such as these, that are still being passed on from one generation to the next. I can’t wait to get my own little one to help write Santa letters!

At 30 I realise..

.. the value of comfort over fashion
.. that what matters is not the place, but who you're with
.. that high school life is way easier than life after college graduation
.. that parents always mean well, no matter how they say things
.. that one must always look after ones self, especially at work
.. that I am really responsible for what I do, and what I say
.. that we come to an age where we have to decide. alone.
.. that life is too short to be lived in a rush.

Where do you start from here?

Sometimes I hear them say they wish it

They just don't know

It's not that easy

Sometimes It can be fun to do all over again
For the sake of it

Or maybe, to start fresh

Then again,

Sometimes it makes you think you're running in circles

And then you don't know where to begin