Thing of the past

So much has happened in the past month that I don't even know where to begin. I've gone back home again to Manila, to spend less than 2 days with mom before she passed. Super sad and at the same time I am relieved that she is no longer in pain. Sometimes these life changing events can be so rattling that life stops. Everything is 're-calibrated' and plans tweaked. One thing that I am trying to find right now is this old fashioned handheld recorder and player because the day after I arrived, my dad handed me a cassette tape and asked if I knew what that was about. I shouted excited a big yes!! I have been missing this tape for at least 15 years. It had recordings of when I was probably a year old, babbling with mom and dad, talking about our cat among other things.I really wish I could get hold of this type of player so I can re-live the past.

Complete.

Complete is such a big word- especially when talking about being "done" with having kids.

I would love to have lots of kids, having come from a large family myself. However, there are a few important reasons which hubby and I think/agree/decide(d) on about having more children. (Note: We both would LOVE to have more, but with the way things are we don't think we will have any more).

(I've just realised now that a lot of my posts recently involve inumerations or lists of some sort - I just love, love, love lists!!) Here are two throw back posts fromlist loving 'me': Bursting with Ideas, and A traveller's check list.

Here are some of the reasons why hubby and I think our family is now complete:

1. We have two lovely girls with us, and a little boy in heaven watching over us. Our two girls have each other and we are beyond thankful that they will grow up with a lifelong friend/each other. As much as I would really love to have them be a part of a bigger sibling friendship..............

2. I am nearly 40 years old, and my body seems like it cannot cope with another pregnancy - having lost our little angel in 2014, having had 3 rather difficult pregnancies and deliveries. To have another pregnancy may not be the safest way.

3. Living overseas without family to help will drive me insane if we have another one. Although this one can really be overridden and only would be extremely difficult on the first year or two. Once the children reach 2 years old it usually is more cruise-y and enjoyable.

4. Serious financial issues must be looked at soon, and having another little one means our 'saving' mode will be delayed. We have decided since having our eldest that we would be the primary carer for our children and not put them in childcare for so many personal reasons. And having reason #3 to add to this situation, we have defaulted to being a one (regular) income family. I do have my business and sidelines, but that is very dependent on season and effort I put in (intentionally or involuntarily-- family comes first obviously).

These are the main reasons which I can think of now, but I am sure there are a few other compelling reasons to make us say our family is now complete. Although. while we were at church yesterday I felt this yearning to try for another boy. I think I saw a little boy seated (or lying on the floor mostly, actually!) and I wondered what it was like to be a parent of a little boy (on earth). They (boys) are a totally different specie to girls is what they say! I mentioned it to hubby but I don't think he felt the same yearning as I did. Although the feeling was real and true, I am set back by the above reasons.... and so I am just focusing on being happy and thankful for our girls.

Tonight, while scrolling on Facebook I came across a lovely page and store (etsy!). Just made me think even more about our family being complete and about my girls growing up as sisters. I myself have 3 sisters and so seeing these artworks put a smile and a tear at the same time.... for so many reasons. (And probably also due to my hormones!!).

Anyway, I came across Heather Stillufsen on Facebook, Blog and on Etsy. I love her work! Here are a few of her works which I find appropriate for this entry!

Photo from Heather Stillufsen's page

Photo from Heather Stillufsen's page

Strangers... are strangers.

Sometimes you wish strangers were a little bit more sensitive. But then again I guess that’s how they are – strangers. They don’t know you. They don’t know your situation, your life, what you are going through and what you’ve been through. Somehow you wish they were just a little bit nicer though. They’re not. And as easy as it is to say “move on”, it’s not any easier done.

I guess with anything and every dealings we have online (or even offline), we put ourselves out there. We open our inner most self and risk something. I chose not to reply back to this certain person and stoop down to their level. I guess I just chose to cut them off and prefer not to deal with them anymore. No need for explanations otherwise I will just put myself out there again.  It’s not like I lost anything. Better finding out now than pursue a business relationship with someone that judgmental. 

Out of time

 

So much so do and always so little time to action! I don’t know if it’s just me and my (lack of) time management or whether I am being short changed by time. 24 hours seems to be just not enough to do everything I want or need to do. I am re-reading Purpose Driven Life again and I am reminded about my priorities in life... Still I can’t seem to cope. Life is going by way too fast! I wish I have an extra couple of hours just to “run my errands”. Errands which are really things that only I can do the way I want done. C’est la vie.

Somehow I am reminded of the movie with JT and Amanda Seyfried "In Time." Really, time is a sometimes felt like a commodity we are always wanting more of and never seem to have enough of. I liked that movie. I suppose I should watch it again now and it might shed some new thoughts on my current chaotic sense of time. Hmm - note for the weekend!! *Yes, if I actually find time to watch it!*

 

Revisiting an old photo of mine from 2011

Last Stretch

Am on my last stretch doing a lot of things at the moment..

- I am finishing up doing my last subject at uni !! And then I graduate !!

- Working my last month at work before I go on maternity leave !!

- Of course, waiting for baby to arrive in 2 months time !! Preparing so many things for this!

I guess no matter how much I have tried to plan things, and be in control, I could only prepare so much. With the way things are winding up/winding down now, it couldn't have happened any more perfect. Things are falling into place, and at the right time. I am being taught so many things in life this final quarter of 2009. Plan one's share, and leave the rest to God.

Photo credit : www.flickr.com/photos/localandbitter/380313730/

Trying times

There has been another wave of employment terminations at work, and to think the economy is meant to have been getting better. Who knows what that really means nowadays? I suppose it is so much more difficult particularly at this time of the year, as it gets closer to the holiday and supposedly festive season would be the worst possible time to lose one’s means of livelihood. People lose jobs because of cheap labour, and cost cutting measures practiced by businesses. It makes one wonder whether all these termination procedures are fair, or whether there are underlying reasons behind getting sacked from one’s job. I suppose a lot of it is treated on a case by case basis.

I know of two colleagues who would very much benefit from second wallet loans at this particular time. One of them has just bought a house, while the other one a car. They are quite young professionals and as much as they both have a lot of bigger things in store for them in the future, losing a job is not a nice predicament to be in at anytime. One can only wish for re-consideration or an alternative position to be available once redundancy takes effect.

When the world says its time for a change.

How do you put into words feelings you don't even understand.

When is news good news? And when is it bad? Can it just be a blessing in disguise?

Just when you thought that you are wanting to try to plan life for the next few months, you are suddenly faced with having to plan a whole lifetime. Or at least, two, three, four, five years down the road.

How does one decide where to steer the wheel? Somehow maybe decisions have already been made due to the circumstance. Is that any easier? Should it be any easier?

Finally, something that has been lingering for the past three years..

Is it really a blessing? For now it is all still feels like a fleeting memory. Distant. Near. Close. Far.

Perhaps this is it. It's time for change.

Rebuilding lives

All the talk about how the bad the storm was in Manila makes me feel sad. There are so many people now trying to rebuild their lives and homes after the big destruction. Apparently there is another storm headed the way of Manila again. I am hoping that the city and its surrounds do not get further damage, and that the storm will whisk it’s way as soon as it arrives.

I know so many friends and relatives who are doing everything they can to help by volunteering their time and giving donations. I wish I could do the same. For now I will only be able to offer my prayers and a bit of my monetary contribution.

I would not know where to begin if I would have been one of those whose families were personally affected by the storm. I have cousins and friends who are undergoing this and I feel for them. I remember reading somewhere that Siem Reap also experienced this sort of catastrophe in the past. The city has managed to rebuild itself and become one major tourist spot. I pray Manila will be able to cope and come out as a winner in the end of it all.

I am finally identifiable!

I finally got my Blue micro chipped passport today!! Meaning, I have a real ID now. I used to have a big problem since I don't drive here, my Philippine passport has expired, and with my recent surname change (to my married surname), etc etc etc .. I had big troubles getting identified. As in, I have to produce numerous bank statements, utility bills, credit card statements, marriage certificate, etc.

Oh well, that's all in the past now. :)

Big plus is that I travel visa free to majority of the countries I want to visit someday! Yahoo! I still cannot believe it. For the longest time, I've waited for this day. And now, well, it's here. I have to set another goal for the next 5 years!

Nice Sunday

It was a nice, nice sunday.. Still have a week left til winter is over, and we welcome spring, but the temperature hit 26 degrees! Lovely! Where else in the world can that happen?

Loving it..

Chatty stuff

My family has always been opinionated about every single thing. This could be a good or a bad thing, depending on the circumstance. I remember having a lot of political chat around the dining table that could last for a few hours! Recently, I've heard that one of my sisters now is engaged in some sort of online discussion forum about politics. I guess it is such an interesting and colorful topic that a discussion can go on for years.

Unfinished Business

Every so often I am sure we all ponder about those "Unfinished Businesses" that we have. Oftentimes we push the thought aside, knowing that the longer we think about them the more bitter we become. Really it is not always easy to let go of those what ifs in life. And the only solution to it is : Time. The longer we move away from the past the less important they become, and the more in touch we become with the reality that it isn't.

Unfinished Businesses have a purpose. And that is, to be part of the past that once was, but no longer is. I am sure if things turned out the way they were meant to be, then we don't have those what ifs. Sometimes things left unfinished are left at its best that way. Don't we all agree to that?

The magic of no endings allow us to relish the thoughts that will be kept in that snow globe of memories.

Dealing with sore throat

The past few days I've been hit with a really bad sore throat. It came to a point where I had trouble swallowing. So, I couldn't really eat anything solid. I lost 1 kg already, which is good. But then I feel so weak coz I haven't been eating. I am well now, I hope. But I am still under house arrest. Need lots of liquid and rest.

I've searched ways to soothe my sore throat, and have tried some of them myself. Here they are:

- Heat compress on my neck (worked coz I had felt my neck muscle twitching)

- Warm Tea

- Honey and Vinegar with Warm Water (hubby prepares it best)

- Sea Salt with Warm Water (Gargled)

- Banana (it just glides down the throat well)

- Lots of water (lukewarm)

- Lozenges (in moderation)

- Betadine Sore Throat Drops

- Lots of rest, less talk

I guess it depends on the extent of one's swollen throat. Mine was uncomfortable for a few days (and nights). I ended up saying so many rosaries at night when I can't sleep. But, it all is working well for me. I hope to resume back normal living tomorrow. I am just glad that the assessment results are out for my first Uni subject, and I passed! One down, Three to go.

Words

I’ve been doing a lot of studying the past two days, as in with only break for meals, sleep, occasional massage break and toilet. I’ve warned hubby of this, because I was cramming a 3000 word assessment due last night. He was prepared, and he rented so much DVDs and did not complain when I couldn’t cook proper meals, or have them at decent hours. I guess I’m glad for the long Easter weekend. Although, I’m not pleased that I did not really get to reflect much at this time. I will make it up.

Status update

Amidst my so busy schedule, I forgot to give an update about my Australian status. Finally received in the mail a letter from the government officially welcoming me to take on Australian citizenship. Okay, finally after more than five years!! Now, it does not really mean so much to me anymore. Surely I won't give up my Filipino citizenship. It did not even cross my mind to renounce my Philippine citizenship. (Of course I can hear my mom giving me a long lecture on my roots, etc, if I did. Not that I would) I'm just glad that there is such a legislation now on dual citizenship. Apparently a few years back this was not the case for Phil-Aussies.

Last week's module for class talked about Australian citizenship. How timely for me, I was able to relate personally. I had a few questions about citizenship by birth, descent or by grant. Just in case I was to give birth in Manila (down the track) I wanted to know if that had any implications whatsoever.

So anyway, finally I am getting my AU passport. Free to travel the world without having to think about visa applications (okay, except for China, Russia, India, Pakistan, and some South American country). If only I can convince hubby to go with me and travel the world!

Then and now

Hubby and I saw his work colleague who has just undergone a lap band surgery, I think that happened a year or so ago. He was now doing well and keeping trim. Although one could still tell though what his past was like as he had his double chin in place. I guess one could think that would just be genetics showing up. Overall though, it looks good on him. Considering the first time I saw him he looked really unhealthy and tired. I guess his main reason for undergoing this treatment was really due to tohealth reasons. Fair enough. He now has a new gal pal and so it worked well.

Chatter, Wine and Lunch

Been a while since I've met someone new for the first time and actually think that we could be friends :) I guess as one gets older (for some), meeting real friends (potentially) can happen once in a blue moon or very rarely.

Anyway, I had lunch with my new NFF (new found friend) today, her name is Cat. I've been liasing with her through work for work for the past 4months or so. And we have planned to actually meet up and not just be 'penpals'. She's also from Manila, same as me, she migrated here a few years before I did.

Such a fun lunch we ended up staying longer than expected, asking questions about each other, talking about the past/present and future. Talking endlessly while sharing a bottle of wine for lunch! We talked about life, love, school, work, family, travel, other people, food, plans, etc. We realised we had a lot in common, yet had a lot of things different. All in an hour and half of meeting, no second was wasted! It was greatly enjoyed and we said we will catch up again soon. At the end of lunch we were both feeling sleepy(umm, a bottle of wine for lunch), but still had to work! Good thing it was friday! Time to unwind and welcome the weekend!

When was the last time you met someone for the first time? And you just knew that this was the first of many meetings with them. I miss my old friends in Manila, but I am happy to meet genuine new friends in Sydney.

Happy weekend all!

Eating my Ice Cream

... After watching Marley and Me!

I needed comfort food. One of the few movies which made me and hubby cry together! Okay, he only had a few tears. Mine was more like bucket loads! At the end of the movie, we were saying that we don't think we'll take care of a dog. Ever. (So far that is). It's just to painful when they cease being the once playful puppy. Slowly their body gives up. The sad thing about it, would have to be.. the fact that they don't live as long as human do. That's just the way things are naturally. I don't want to go on about the film so much. In a nutshell, the film talked about love, marriage, kids, pets, career, friendship, life and death. One of those films that, after 10, 20 years, or so would still touch many people's lives. Ah, Marley!

What do you do?

Pardon my consecutive blahblahs as I am not having the best week.

What do you do? When you hear about news about a loved one whose life seems to be going in circles, nowhere, repeating the same mistake over again for the Nth time...

What do you do? When work is dragging you down. When THEY expect you to be perfect, but when you point out the flaw about management they provide you with obvious cr @ p ...

What do you do? When you have over three weeks annual leave accrued, but nowhere to go...

What do you do? When your body is wanting to sleep, but your mind can't stop thinking, planning, praying..

What would you do?

A very long way

Come to think of it, I've been through quite a lot of stages in my life. Of course, this comes with age. The fact that I've been around for three decades now, is pretty much revealing the wrinkles of my existence.

I remember being a young athlete and music-lover. Countless summers spent in front of the keyboard, or strumming guitar strings, exercising my vocal chords, or doing laps in the pool, chasing after tennis balls or prancing around with my badminton racket on hand, practicing my pirouettes and run, run, run jumps. I remember switching from my ballerina shoes to my tennis runners, and in between stealing glimpses at my cute young swimming coach. The joys of youth. So much energy, so much time at hand.

I remember being a young traveler, doing summer exchange programs all over the Philippines and around Europe, witnessing to other youths and sharing culture and faith. That was my life for a good 10 years. Until, I moved to Sydney, and my then social life suddenly shrunk to a few or handful good friends. What used to be weekends giving inspiring 'talks' amidst a good hundred people, turned to one saturday night one-on-one wine talks with one good friend. They are both nonetheless, quality time spent, they just belong on opposite ends of the spectrum and quite incomparable. Time can do that to a person, pleasure in number, 100 or 1.

I remember being a student at university, three times over. 30 years, 10 schools, thousands of acquaintances, dozens of subjects, handful of confidants, a few heartaches, and neverending learning.